Having people over for dinner is pretty much guaranteed to create a kitchen anxiety attack of epic proportions, even without a homelessness crisis looming. My key advice on this is as follows:
1. Don't call it a Dinner Party. This conjours up visions of A) Actual Linen Napkins and B) Abigails Party. (I KNOW that was a drinks party, but still)
2. Call it Supper. It sounds way more sophistamicated to say to people 'Why don't you come round for a little supper?'. Also, their expectations will be much lower.
3. Cook something that looks impressive but that can be slow cooked. In this case, curry is a perfect option. Unless you are some sort of authentico-twat like me who wants to make naan bread. Which you probably aren't.
4. Give everyone drinks. All of the time. Take their coat, give them a drink. Give them a new drink about twenty minutes later. And so on, throughout the evening. This will cleverly conceal the fact that you are in the kitchen shouting frantically at the curry 'Why won't you just FUCKING THICKEN YOU ABSOLUTE BASTARD' etc.
A few years ago I had the fortunate experience of becoming friends with a tiny, terrifying woman of Bengali origin, who is so East London it is untrue. I mean actual East London, not all the twats who came in ten years ago, with their fixies and fashion dogs and multi-directional hairdos, spending their weekends going to art shows where the only exhibit is one scuffed trainer on a plinth. Shads, AKA the Pocket Rocket, is five foot nothing of scathing put downs, good advice, and amazing recipes. The daal and saag are all her own work, but I did the curry and naan myself. When I asked her, about two years ago, if she had a good naan recipe, she looked at me like I was certifiably mad and said 'Faaaakin 'ell! Use Sharwoods bruv!'.
I perservered and found a recipe in one of my seventies cookbooks which I have tweaked a bit. Granted, it seems like a total ballache but shop naans have a cotton wool quality I'm not crazy about. The veg sides that Shads has come up with are so delicious that I would happily eat them without any meat, which as a confirmed carnivore is quite a statement. Serve all of the below with some poppadoms, chutney, lime pickle, raita and a winning smile to conceal your inner turmoil and panic caused by MAKING naan.
Curry Night Recipes
Chicken Curry
Serves 6 greedy people
Ingredients
2 Peppers (I used green but any colour will do)
2 green chillies
12 skinned and boned chicken thighs (your butcher will do this, under duress, making a massive fuss, but secretly loving the fact he has to do some butchery)
Thumb sized piece of ginger, peeled
2 tins of tomatoes
2 white onions
4 cloves of garlic
2 tsp cumin
2 tsp ground coriander
2 tsp turmeric
1 tbsp hot curry powder
1 packet of creamed coconut
Oil (sorry to be so non-specific but you will need...a bit)
Method
1. Cut each chicken thigh into about three pieces. Check for bone shards, depending on how grumpy your butcher is about cutting things up (he may have left it in there to spite you)
2. Brown meat off in a little oil.
3. Cut peppers up into bite sized chunks.
4. Add onions, garlic, ginger and chilli to a food processor, and whizz. If you don't have one, chop laboriously by hand and think about BUYING a food processor.
5. Add vegetable smush and pepper pieces to chicken and continue browning.
6. Now add spices.
7. And tomatoes.
8. Then add the creamed coconut, you will have to chop this. This is awful as it feels like you are cutting up a candle but I promise it will melt down.
9. Cook in a slow cooker for about 6 hours, or a normal saucepan for about 3.
10. Eat it with all the other stuff you have laboriously prepared and secretly wonder who you are trying to impress with this.
Dahl By Shahida (In her words)
Ingredients
Orange/Yellow lentils-
200 g - Wash first
1 - onion - chop
up
2 dry bay
leaf
4 green chillies -
whole or cut in half
3- garlic clove
mashed up with the equivalent amount of ginger
1/2 tea spoon of
turmeric
1 tsp of salt (add
more salt if you need it) black pepper for taste
******************************
You will also need
6 cloves of garlic
finely chopped or mashed up
6-8 red birds eye
chilli
4 table spoon of oil
any oil would do but not smelly oil like olive oil
Coriander (Fresh, chopped)
Method
So in a pot add your
washed lentils, chopped onions, bayleaf, salt, 4 green chillies, salt, mashed up
3 garlic and ginger and blast it on boil, with an inch of water above the
lentils..... then turn the heat down a bit and cover for 20 mins, stir now
and again until the lentils are soft, and most of the water is
gone.
Taste to see if
you're happy with the salt, if not add more. Then add some water ...depending on
how runny you want your lentil dish and boil for another 15
mins
Next in a frying pan
......this is quite dangerous!!! ...heat the oil add the
6 cloves of garlic
finely chopped or mashed up
6-8 red birds eye
chilli, until it is brown.
Turn off all the heat fully and add this
into the main lentil pot ...... it's gonna sizzle to the max bruv so be careful!! And cover.
Garnish with chopped coriander ... Boom
!!!
Saag Aloo also by Shahida
Ingredients
Garlic 2 cloves -
finely chopped
1 large onion - chop
1 green chillies -
finely chopped
3 potatoes -
bite size or whatever size you want not too big though
Oil
1/2 tea spoon
Turmeric
1/2 - 1 tea
spoon Curry powder
1/2 teaspoon Chilli
powder (optional)
Spinach - chopped
up
Salt - 1./2- 1
teaspoon depending on how salty you like ur dish
Coriander - fresh
Method
Okay so blitz your
garlic / onion green chillies in a food processor (even East London rude girls like a Kenwood - just buy one!!! - HH)
1 - Heat some oil in
a frying pan, add your mixture
2 - add salt and
turmeric, and fry until its brown
3 - add the potato
and fry for 5- 10 mins
5. Stir for a bit then
add the spinach stir and cover, let it all shrink, stir every so often for the
next 10-15 mins on low heat.
6. Once the potato is
soft enough, blast the heat and add some coriander.
7. Add some water if it
is too dry or blast the heat up if it is too runny.
Naan Bread (Not by Shahida as only mentals MAKE naan)
150 ml warmed milk
2 tsp yeast
2 tsp sugar
1 beaten egg
2 tsp black onion seeds
450g strong white bread flour
1 tsp salt
2.5 tbsp oil
160ml natural yoghurt
Method
1. Add the yeast and sugar to the warmed milk and leave until it goes all frothy and starts moving about and looks repulsive.
2. In a jug mix the egg, yoghurt and oil
3. Now mix the yeasty stuff and other wet stuff with the dry ingredients and knead for about ten minutes. I use my Kenwood Chef because I am lazy but you could do it by hand. In fact Paul Hollywood says you can't make bread with a machine anyway as you can't feel when it is right. But A) I dont know when it is right because I am not a professional baker and B) Should you trust a man who looks like a human husky? I think not.
4. Now leave for about two hours, in a covered bowl, until it doubles in size.
5. Preheat your oven to as hot as it will go.
6. Place your heaviest oven tray in there.
7. Grease up the surface you will be using with lots of vegetable oil. Also grease yourself up. Mainly your hands but also probably go a bit further up the arms. To the elbows. Or further. Think male stripper at a hen-do in the Circus Tavern circa 1987.
8. Divide the dough into six pieces (on the greasy surface) and shape into balls. (Hur hur. Balls)
9. Now take one ball and attempt to shape it, on the greasy surface, into a naan shape. Open the oven and try to throw the naan shape onto the hot tray. This will not work and you will probably end up with a phallic looking naan bread. It is done when the bread is browned and looking a bit bubbly, like a naan. But penis shaped. Probably.
10. Repeat five more times whilst being bored out of your tiny mind and envisaging being homeless with your dog.
11. Reheat when ready to eat for about five mins in a 200C oven with garlic and coriander butter smeared all over them (I like to use the lurpak garlic butter and smush chopped coriander into it).
12. Eat it. All of it. Whilst furtively looking at Rightmove.
That all sounds bloody amazing. Add some sag paneer and I am in vege heaven.
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